Ohio

[Uldo Posch]

Ohio

Morning, six o´clock, the death row cell
Another day of final act
Breakfast, juice and cigarettes
before his death will rescue him
sobbing silence mixed with humor
chaplain reads last bible rights
to murders here
while victims elsewhere fight
intimate, detailed and cold
a diary to be unfold
execution order is revealed
Life has with death been sealed!
in
Ohio

[movfaltin]

Zitat von Uldo Posch

Ohio
Morning, six o´clock, the death row cell
Another day of final act
Breakfast, juice and cigarettes
before his death will rescue him
sobbing silence mixed with humor
chaplain reads last bible rights
to murders here
while victims elsewhere fight
intimate, detailed and cold
a diary to be unfold
execution order is revealed
Life has with death been sealed!
in
Ohio

Hey Uldo,

now that I have just read through your poem, I must confess that this is a topic rarely dealt with here. I will briefly provide an alternate version below:

At 6 a.m., inside the death row cell
Another final day is starting well
With breakfast, juice, and lots of cigaret(te)s
Before death spares the subject all his debts
...

etc. I just noticed the first half of the poem does not rhyme at all. So I will skip my attempts and comment on your English first.

l.1 In "Morning, six o'clock", "Morning" sounds like a greeting.
l.2 Sounds a bit innovative to my ears, but I cannot find anything wrong.
l.4 "rescue" would mean "rescue his life," which does not work here. I'd say "save" instead.
l.6 What the heck is a bible right?!
l.9 Perhaps make the adjectives adverbs?
l.12 The word order is problematic. You might work around by a line showing a structure like "Life - with death it has been sealed."

Hth.

Cheers,
mov

[Rosenblüte]

hi uldo,

i agree with mov's objections.

plus, i think the word order isn't correct here:

while victims elsewhere fight

Life has with death been sealed!

i'd simply change that: Life has been sealed with death!

anyway, i like the topic and the poem.

rosenblüte