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15.05.2009, 15:47 | #1 |
Dabei seit: 08/2008
Alter: 32
Beiträge: 18
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Your last dream
A long distance tearing you apart
with an ocean in between. He still has got his boarding-card that's the last thing you have seen. You spent whole days together and night by night passed by. You thought it lasts forever until he made you cry. And all is gone-your last dream, your last kiss was too scant to see. Now all is gone, and when he tourned away you knelt down saying "don't leave me this way". So tell me, what could I have done against feelings so strong? He made his desicion long ago under the American sun. But, see, you can't fight feelings when they just appear. The way he watched her breathing made you disappear. And all is gone-your last dream, your last kiss was too scant to see. Now all is gone, and when he tourned away you knelt down saying "don't leave me this way". I wish it was a nightmare and all this wasn't true. But, sorry, I think I gotta disappoint you And all is gone-your last dream, your last kiss was too scant to see. Now all is gone, and when he tourned away you knelt down saying "don't leave me this way". *Alle Rechte vorbehalten* |
01.07.2009, 13:06 | #2 | |||
Dabei seit: 06/2009
Alter: 31
Beiträge: 46
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Gefäll mir super gut!!Du benutz tolle Bilder und ich mag den Refrain sehr gern!Schönen text hast du da geschreiben=)
Ein paar Grammatikfehler allerdings und manche Wörter würde ich anders ausrücken: Zitat:
Zitat:
Zitat:
Cooles Bild! Viele Grüße Chino |
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01.07.2009, 17:01 | #3 |
Dabei seit: 08/2008
Alter: 32
Beiträge: 18
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hey.. danke für dein kommenta..freut mich dass du den lyrik magst
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10.07.2009, 12:57 | #4 | |||
Dabei seit: 06/2009
Ort: Glei newwa da Elegdrisch
Alter: 42
Beiträge: 130
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Hi,
as I am not fully aware of the metrics in your lyrics, I can only make some minor proposals. Zitat:
Still in his hands his boarding card Is the last thing you recall. (CHANGE IN RHYME?! Why not try fall, all, befall, appall, gall, pall, and so forth; bad rhyming in -ever, -ether) You thought it'd last forever Zitat:
Now all is gone, and when he turned (was turning?) away You knelt down, pleading(ly,) "don't leave me this way." Please note: "way" and "away" is not exactly a brilliant rhyme (neither is dream - see). Try using stay, pray, prey, may, lay, astray, etc. (dozens of "ay" rhymes available, I reckon) Zitat:
against feelings that strong He'd made his decision long ago for they just emerge or a similar term, but "appear" and "disappear" is not sufficient rhyming. I recommend the author try to diversify their vocab a bit. It sounds a bit too German. Nevertheless it is way better than most of the postings in here. There seems to be a clear shift in perspective in your lyrics. (stanza 1 "you" seems to become stanza 2 "me," at least in parts.) If you want to have your lyrics checked sufficiently by experts, please do not hesitate to turn to a G-E dictionary forum such as dict.leo.org and post your texts there. Cheers, MovFaltin |
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