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Internationale Gedichte Sämtliche nicht-deutschsprachige Gedichte. |
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14.01.2012, 04:05 | #1 |
Stranger
World gets stranger every day
Like a fading thunderstorm No joy is in my little bay And not even a fish swarm There is no incomplex way Cause I never will conform My vision turned ashy and grey And I endure cause I perform! |
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16.01.2012, 18:16 | #2 |
Nice Lyrics , But I have problems with:
1. And not even a fish swarm Isn`t so fluently... There might be an alternative... 2. Why negate? "There is no incomplex way" (what is incomplex? Never heard that before... Do you mean "uncomplex"?') I`d say: "It is a complex way" sounds better... doesn`t it? 3. ÄÄÄhhh You could probably say: My vision, turned to ashes, grey cya later... |
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16.01.2012, 18:45 | #3 |
And I guess you mean "because". Please don't write "cause"... Cause is a slangword, respectively the german word "Grund, Anlass,..."
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16.01.2012, 22:27 | #4 |
Thanks
Thank you very much for your nice review!
This is my fourth poem ever and i have to learn a lot... Yeah i knew that for example the "fish" line wasn't that good but my mind or lets say my brain is unfortunately quite bad at the moment I wrote "there is no incomplex way" because, well "It is a complex way" doesn't tell that there is like no easy way... sorry im also bad in explaining My english is also quite bad nowdays but somehow i prefer to write poems in that language, the only language i know besides german. And again thank you! Greetings Sylv |
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18.01.2012, 18:17 | #5 |
abgemeldet
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I'd suggest you rather write ur poems in ur mother tongue. otherwise you end up producing stuff like that. sry I can't tell u any better. I'd change V1 sort of like this:
The World gets stranger day by day things fade away in thunderstorm There is no joy here in my bay No fish swarm round to bite my worm. |
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