Dreams and fears

[Chino]

I see a house,a road going up and down
five people living happily together
-year after year.
The sun is shining,kids are laughing
People enjoy their life,full of success,
freedom and satisfaction.
Everything is in it's right place.
Perfect.How it should be.

Suddenly everything changes.
Grey rainclouds appear in the sky.
The sun disappears and hides in the past.
I see people,different,strange..and sad
Everything has changed.
What happened to the past full of freedom,luck
and happiness?

Hopefully the grey rainclouds will go back
where they came from.
Sun,where did you go?Where are you?
And when are you coming back to me?

[movfaltin]

Hi,

I especially like the image of the sun seeking shelter in the past. Not bad! Yet I would propose diversifying your vocab a bit. Sounds a bit non-native ;-)
Some minor corrections & suggestions to be found below.

Cheers,
MovFaltin

Zitat von Chino

I see a house,a road going up and down
five people living happily together
-year after year.
The sun is shining,kids are laughing
People enjoy their life,full of success,
freedom and satisfaction.
Everything is in it's right place.
Perfect.How it should be.

Everything is in its right place.
Perfect. How it ought to be.

Suddenly everything changes.
Grey rainclouds appear in the sky.
The sun disappears and hides in the past.
I see people,different,strange..and sad
Everything has changed.
What happened to the past full of freedom,luck
and happiness?

Hopefully the grey rainclouds will go back
where they came from.
Sun,where did you go?Where are you?
And when are you coming back to me?

to where they came from
Sun, where have you gone? Where are you (now)?
And when will you...

[Chino]

Hi Movfaltin,

I especially like the image of the sun seeking shelter in the past. Not bad!

Thank you!I'm glad that you like my poem!

Yet I would propose diversifying your vocab a bit. Sounds a bit non-native ;-)
Some minor corrections & suggestions to be found below.

And a big thanks to your help with the vocabulary.I'm sure I will follow your advice and I'm definitely going to change some phrases!
Chino