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Internationale Gedichte Sämtliche nicht-deutschsprachige Gedichte. |
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31.07.2010, 14:28 | #1 |
Take a pee on the wild side
I take a walk out in the dark
and take a pee between the trees- OH SHIT, the fuck, I hit the bark, it's splashing back onto my knees. This is the darks side of the dark, you cannot see enough to pee. But if i was a whale or shark, it would not matter in the sea. 31.07.2010 |
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01.08.2010, 12:28 | #2 |
abgemeldet
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Das hätte auch wunderbar in die Humorecke gepasst.
Meintest du hiermit: "This is the darks side of the dark," vielleicht eher: "This is the dark side of the park"? |
08.08.2010, 22:40 | #3 |
Hey Gram,
to start off with some extolling, I really like the content (which is a rare thing indeed). Yet I think the shape might perhaps allow for some changes. Apart from the beginning of the 2nd stanza, which does not make any sense at all (as has already been pointed to), the whole poem seems a bit outsize, a bit lengthy. Personally, I would prefer a rather compact version which boils down to the pith more directly. Second, the beginning sounds incredibly Denglish to me (the vocabulary as simple as can be, the grammar as well). Why not try to be a bit more creative here? Third, the "But" in your second last line seems quite out of place - for it destroys the poem's point and quite obviously devalues the ending. I would have understood the last two lines as a wishfully thought conclusion of the whole discomfort with the dark and the wet, so endings such as "If just I was..." or "Oh, if I was..." would be my favourites. In my personal opinion, that is. Cheers, Mov |
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