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Internationale Gedichte Sämtliche nicht-deutschsprachige Gedichte. |
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08.04.2010, 11:42 | #1 |
Ohio
Ohio
Morning, six o´clock, the death row cell Another day of final act Breakfast, juice and cigarettes before his death will rescue him sobbing silence mixed with humor chaplain reads last bible rights to murders here while victims elsewhere fight intimate, detailed and cold a diary to be unfold execution order is revealed Life has with death been sealed! in Ohio |
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27.04.2010, 21:45 | #2 | |
Zitat:
now that I have just read through your poem, I must confess that this is a topic rarely dealt with here. I will briefly provide an alternate version below: At 6 a.m., inside the death row cell Another final day is starting well With breakfast, juice, and lots of cigaret(te)s Before death spares the subject all his debts ... etc. I just noticed the first half of the poem does not rhyme at all. So I will skip my attempts and comment on your English first. l.1 In "Morning, six o'clock", "Morning" sounds like a greeting. l.2 Sounds a bit innovative to my ears, but I cannot find anything wrong. l.4 "rescue" would mean "rescue his life," which does not work here. I'd say "save" instead. l.6 What the heck is a bible right?! l.9 Perhaps make the adjectives adverbs? l.12 The word order is problematic. You might work around by a line showing a structure like "Life - with death it has been sealed." Hth. Cheers, mov |
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11.05.2010, 14:13 | #3 | ||
abgemeldet
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hi uldo,
i agree with mov's objections. plus, i think the word order isn't correct here: Zitat:
Zitat:
anyway, i like the topic and the poem. rosenblüte |
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