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Internationale Gedichte Sämtliche nicht-deutschsprachige Gedichte. |
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16.11.2009, 19:58 | #1 |
perceptions
Thoughts are drowning
detached from every hope I gave up rushing towards your folded arms Empty faces frowning dispatched across the globe I gave up crushing inside your molded charms |
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25.11.2009, 19:55 | #2 | |
Dear moon,
well, as you already know, I really like the way you use words. In german as in english but I will be honest I don`t like this too much. The title captured my attention and after reading it the first time I thought -this ist nice. After reading it over and over I began to dislike a few words you used. The first stanza is not bad and I like the view of "torwards your folded arms". The second stanza is a bit like a construction, like you tried to lean on to the first stanza, it reads a little unnatural to me. You got the hang out of rhymes between the first line of the first stanza and the first line of the second stanza...and so on. Zitat:
The second word that sounds a bit odd is "molded", ofcourse I know you tried to find a rhyme to rushing, but it`s so simple I think it would have been better you would have left it, even though it would repeat itself, with "rushing". In the last line I would have written "in to your molded charms", it fits better to the fourth line in the first stanza where you wrote of "torwards...". Even though I don`t like the word "charms" here because it reminds me of a charm-bracelet but that is just a personal taste. I know you will understand my critical view best! And don`t forget it`s just view. Greetings, Isabel |
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26.11.2009, 02:33 | #3 |
Dear Isa,
please don´t try to excuse your criticism. That´s the best way to learn, especially when you write in a different language. And as I mentioned before, a native speaking critic is the best I can get. I´m looking for honesty! Well, to be honest, I don´t like the lines anymore myself. Some pictures came into my head and I wrote them down in a rush. Some words didn´t fit exactly, so I tried to find rhyming ones. Now I wish I could erase them. Thanks for the honest view, and that you liked some parts of it, but I am unhappy with the whole text. Now it´s too late, next time I´ll give myself more thinking time. cheers moon |
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