violent silence

[moon]

spoken words
are bleeding
lying naked
in front of you

trying to take
a last breath
silently trembling
before they die

[IsabelG]

Hi moon,

I`ll answere in english so I won`t ge confused between both languages.

The way you write in english really takes my breath away The wohle poem ist so short but so full of meaning, ist incredible.

For me the wohle Poem reads like a farewell, those last words someone speaks to a loved person before the silence takes hold. It`s a violent silence indeed, I just have to imagine lovers that break up and at the end there is nothing more to say. Even silence can then ring in ones ears and sound violent.

But I do have something to crit. upon

I would have written it like this. It`s just the form, so don`t worry it`s nothing drastic


violent silence

spoken words are bleeding
lying naked in front of you

trying to take a last breath
silently trembling before they die


I think it reads better this way because I somehow stumbled while reading over it the way you wrote und it seemed a bit ripped apart.

Very nice moon! I liked it

Greetings,
Isabel

[Ilka-Maria]

Just one word: GOOD!

LG,
Ilka-M.

[moon]

Hi Isa!

Thank you for your words!
Honestly, to hear that from a native speaker is the best compliment. It´s not that simple to find the right words in a different language, even in your native tongue. Your association of a farewell scene truly is one way to take it.

Concerning the form you´re absolutely right. It supposed to be a 4-term poem, but by the reason of something irrational in my brain I changed it. Don´t know why, really. But I´d propose for those, who don´t like the form, to read your version. That´s the easiest way, isn´t it. Thanks again for reading this short one!

Hi Ilka-Maria!

Thanks to you as well. Sometimes one word can say so much.

cheers
moon