Beautiful brown eyes

[miss-marvelous]

Beautiful brown eyes

I see you
looking at me
with your beautiful brown eyes
shining,
gleaming-
I can see them twinkle.
When you laugh they are full of joy
your beautiful brown eyes
honest,
faithful-
I think they'd show if tell lies.
And when they look at me
your beautiful brown eyes
it's like sunrise after a storm
strong,
courageous-
as if nobody can stop you.
And if you are sad
you look like little Bambi
in search of his mummy
with your beautiful brown eyes
helpless,
innocent-
don't know what to do.
They are the mirror of your soul,
your beautiful brown eyes.
They show your true feelings-
can't hide what's on your mind,
your beautiful brown eyes-
the most beautiful eyes in the world.


© miss marvelous

[movfaltin]

Hi,

please let me shed some light onto your language use. I must admit I have not been able to perceive a single major mistake as far as your English is concerned (well, mostly tense issues). So the comments made are advice only, not corrections.

l.1 - do away with the comma
l.6 - twinkle instead of twinkling (which does not sound wrong, but somewhat odd)
l.7 - when you are laughing
l.11 - if you were telling lies
l.17 - as if nobody can stop you
l.18 - and when you are sad

So long. Cheers,

[miss-marvelous]

Zitat von movfaltin

Hi,

please let me shed some light onto your language use. I must admit I have not been able to perceive a single major mistake as far as your English is concerned (well, mostly tense issues). So the comments made are advice only, not corrections.

l.1 - do away with the comma
l.6 - twinkle instead of twinkling (which does not sound wrong, but somewhat odd)
l.7 - when you are laughing
l.11 - if you were telling lies
l.17 - as if nobody can stop you
l.18 - and when you are sad

So long. Cheers,

Hey!
First of all, thanks a lot for your advice.
I erased that comma in l.1.
Furthermore, I have to agree to your second proposal - it sounds better the way you suggested it.
In l.18 you are right as well: "when" definitely makes more sense.
However, I won't change the other things because my intention was to express what the character usually does (or in that case usually not does) instead of talking about one single/special issue.

Well, by posting this poem today I recognized that my language changed over the years- I wrote this text in September 2007- long, long time ago.