Endless Suffering

[Sententiosus]

Hallo liebe Poetry.de Benutzer,

ich möchte hier mein erstes Gedicht in der englischen Sprache veröffentlichen. Ich wollte meine Gedanken und Gefühle auf eine etwas andere Art und Weise ausdrücken und hoffe, dieses Gedicht gefällt euch.
Ich freue mich über jede Kritik, positiv als auch negativ.


Wounded as I lie,
no single light guiding my way,
the only feeling until I die,
the pain of this endless decay.

Walking down the path of sorrow,
hope was gone so long ago,
for me, there is no tomorrow.
There is no yes, simply no.

Will this misery ever end,
will I be alright?
Come to me and take my hand,
bring me to the light.

I do not want to live like this,
get me out of my lore,
hoping to find my bliss,
living free for evermore.


~ Sententiosus

[Ilka-Maria]

Willkommen, Sententiosus.

Ich bin zwar fit in allgemeinem Englisch, aber nicht sehr geübt im Lesen von englischer Dichtung. Trotzdem muß ich sagen, daß sich Dein Gedicht flüssig liest. Es ist zwar düsteren Inhalts, hat aber Atmosphäre.

Gruß
Ilka-M.

[movfaltin]

Hey sententiosus,

you demanded we give feedback, so guess what I'm about to do... c-;

What came to my mind when reading through your poem:
- no overall scheme: no clear cadence, no identifiable metre, no coherent terminology, no "plot" or, say, poem line. Your poem lacks structure.
- dictionary vocab such as lore, which imho does not fit at all. Please do not have your form rule out your function in such a manner, but rather get your ideas transferred and focus on a convincing content. The latter is much more important, for good poems do not have to rhyme or even have to have a metre (okay, most do), but good poems directly address the reader/listener by creating a sense of feeling, by addressing their (subconscious?) memory and/or emotions.
- third: no proper use of the English language. Have your poems proofread by people who are able to speak English in a native-like fashion - and who are prosodically skilled.

Okay, you said this was your first poem? Then, please, do not take my criticism to be too harsh, but rather give it a try and try to successively improve your writing skills. Step by step. No one is born a master.

Some (not all!) details:

s.1
l.1 did you mean as I'm lying
l.3 better: 'til statt until
l.4 endless does not meet the rhyme scheme: Xx

s.2
l.3 for me there is no tomorrow does not meet your rhyme scheme: xXxXxxXx
l.4 violates your apparent rhyme paradigm as well: xXxXXxX

s.3
l.4 rather use take me to the light

s.4
l.1 What do you want to say by this? Does this make any sense?

Cheers,
mov