Over

[Xanthippa]

Over


I climbed up the last stairs to the fifth floor and opened the door to my apartment. Tired I dropped my bag next to the table, kicked away my shoes and went on to check my answering machine. Three messages from Jenny. They were getting less. I deleted them without listening. I didn’t get why she hadn’t stopped yet. If our friendship was so important to her, why had she done what she had done?
When she had told me about her new boyfriend and all the plans she had with him though they had just met I had felt happy for her. How in the world should I have known…now I understood why she had never introduced him to me. She had been my best friend.
I went on checking the messages. My mother had called to check how I was, I would have to call her back to let her know I was fine. It was already three months now, I wasn’t thinking about him anymore, I didn’t cry anymore…that was at least what I told her.
Then there was another message, I didn’t know the number. I pressed the button to listen to it and turned around to get something to eat. But when I recognized the voice, I stopped in the middle of the movement.
“Hi”, I heard is rough voice speaking, he sounded uncomfortable and shy in some way, “it’s me. I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier. I have to talk to you. Can we meet?” There was a break. “Can you call me back…? …No…no I’ll call you again. Well…see you soon.”
I was still not moving. Slowly, I got control over myself again and fell into my armchair. Had that real-ly just happened? Why would he call and why would he want to meet me? I felt an urge to listen to the message again, but I couldn’t, couldn’t get up, couldn’t think. I would have been confused if I weren’t so angry. Who the hell did he think who he was? After all that had happened?
We had been seeing each other for two years, and I had been sure that he was the one. We hadn’t been engaged, but it had been clear to me that he was the man I want to marry. We had plans to move in together, plans to travel to Greece, so many plans…
It was the day my best friend, Jenny, had told me that she was leaving, heading off to Australia from one day to the other. I don’t know how she managed to talk to me, tell me her plans, even just look in my face. And I, ignorant as I was, felt happy for her and cried because she was leaving, my oh so dear friend…
On the evening of the day she left Mark didn’t stop by to eat with me after work. He didn’t come the next day either, and he didn’t come on the following day. I phoned him at home and only got the answering machine, phoned his mobile and there was the mailbox. Finally, I phoned the place he worked, and the message I got was, Mark Langdon is not available, he had to fly to Australia for private reasons and is not expected back the next few months.
That was when I had started feeling unwell. My boyfriend just left without telling me, on the same day my best friend left, to the same place? I kept telling myself that that couldn’t be, it just couldn’t be what I was thinking. Then I talked to Anna. She was working in a café. And she told me she had seen them. The two of them. Only the the two of them. Together. Several times.
The floor slipped away under my feet. My world broke into pieces. I wanted to rip out my heart, my innards, everything that was screaming inside me. Whatever. There are no words to describe how I felt. How could two people be that cruel? Did they want to destroy me?
But I was still here. I went to work again, I had even been to the cinema. Twice. I was recovering. And now he was calling me. To tell me he wanted to talk. There was nothing to talk about. I didn’t want to know why he had done it. I didn’t want any explanations, any excuses. Did he think that would help me in any way? Talking? Did he want to tell me how much he loved her, maybe ask me to understand him?
No, the thought of ever seeing his face again was just unbearable.
I deleted his message and went straight to bed, without changing my clothes, without eating any-thing. I fell asleep surprisingly fast. I was well-trained in pushing unwelcome thoughts away. The next day I took my phone off the power, that was the best thing I could think of. The rest of the week passed well, my everyday routine helped me, I just tried to pretend nothing had happened. It was only one time that I allowed myself to think about whether he had called me to tell me he wanted me back because it hadn’t worked out with Jenny, but that made me just even more angry. He should know that he wasn’t on the market, and well, I had some pride.
Yes, but all together the week went very well…until Friday. I came home from work, exhausted, and as I turned around the corner I saw him, leaning against the wall next to my entrance. Hearing his voice was one thing, but seeing him standing there in flesh and blood… I turned around and ran off, I just wanted to leave him behind me, not have to look at him anymore, burn him out of my memory. But I already heard him behind me, he was following me, calling my name, asking me to stop.
“Leave me alone!”, I screamed, “why can’t you just leave me alone?”
He was already behind me, I turned half around and threw my bag between his legs, he struggled, but not for long, “Susan!” he shouted as he caught my jacket.
“Leave me!” “Susan, wait! Calm down”, he said and pulled me back. I hit out and tried to get out of his grip, I just wanted to get away, away from him, that was all that I could think, he had hurt me so much… I finally made it and ran away blindly, “Susan!” I heard him shout behind me, but I just went on. “Susan, the car!” I turned around and stared at the front of a red VW coming nearer fast, too fast. I don’t know what happened then. I just felt that I was being pushed in the side, then I heard the noise of the breaks of the car, then I was lying beside it, bleeding on my elbow. Someone had pushed me away just in time. Mark had pushed me away. A few moments I was too traumatized to get up, then I jumped up in shock. “Mark!”, I screamed, “Mark!” I saw him lying behind the car, his face to the ground, there were already people around him, “I saw it! He was directly hit with the front…”, I heard somebody say. I fell to my knees next to him and shook his shoulder, “Mark! Wake up! Mark!” was all I could say, tears ran down my cheeks, I only felt emptiness. I didn’t hear anything anymore, I just saw him, lying in front of me, not moving. The emergency car arrived to take him away, I had to be pulled away from him.
I woke up in the hospital. They must have given me something to make me sleep. Jenny was there sitting beside me, crying, with her boyfriend holding her hand. She told me everything. She had spent a lot of time with Mark. He had had plans to ask me to marry him, that was why they had met. Then his mother had got very sick. He had flown over to Australia at once to be there for her and to be at her side the moment she died. He had just been too upset to call me. Then, one week ago, he had returned. I had been so wrong. I should have had talked to him. I should have been there for him.
Instead, I have killed him.