Leaving Casablanca

[Ilka-Maria]

Rain is pouring sky to runway,
mixing with my burning tears,
keen to wash desires away,
kept in my heart so many years.

"Here is looking at you, kid", soft
are the words you say to me,
failing to take my spirits aloft,
I manage a smile, unhappily.

Trenchcoats are soaked and watered the eyes,
no words left for us to being said,
just a nod as the last of good-byes:
Aircraft waiting, my heart goes dead.

02.10.2023

[Eisenvorhang]

Hello Ilka-Maria,

just a few thoughts. I like it, by the way!

The original phrase:

"No words left for us to being said,"

in the poem isn't grammatically wrong, but it sounds a bit strange and unnatural in English. This wording implies that someone else is speaking about "us."

A different version, like,

"No words left for us to be said,"

removes this awkward phrasing while keeping the intended meaning. It uses a simpler and more natural expression.

Both versions are grammatically correct, but the latter is more commonly used and sounds smoother in English poetry. Also useful - it uses a more straightforward and idiomatic expression - like:

"No words left for us to say."

Then, the original line,

"Just a nod as the last of good-byes:"

This line implies that the nod happens at the moment when the last goodbye is occurring. It suggests a sense of finality and closure but it's a bit sloppy.

"Just a nod as the final goodbye flies:"

adds a metaphorical element... But I have to admit, I don't like it either.

And then, you can change:

"Trenchcoats are soaked and watered the eyes,"

to

"Trenchoats soaked, and watered eyes,"

It's grammatically correct and sounds smoother (Trochäus) in the context of the poem. Using "are" in the original version isn't necessary because the sentence can be simpler. The corrected version keeps the meaning and improves the flow of the verse.

In English poetry, articles are not always necessary. In fact, English poetry often omits articles. It's different in everyday language. In regular conversation, articles are very important. They determine whether someone is recognized as a non-native speaker.

I choose not to judge the rhythm of this text on purpose.
Unfortunately, some stories make all our hearts grow numb.

Was a pleasure to read! Cheers.

[Ilka-Maria]

Zitat von Eisenvorhang

Was a pleasure to read! Cheers.

Thanks. I lost a bundle of thoughts on formulation, and much more of it on rhythm. Futhermore, it's always tricky to write in a foreign languange. The outcome can never deliver the quality of lines in mother tounge. I thought long about to dare, but in the end, I did it. And tried to give my best.

What here really matters, is the line: "Here is looking at you, kid." Words, which are not fit for translation into German or any language. It's the line which comes in the German translation as: "Schau mir in die Augen Kleines."

Which is totally trivial and does not "hit the nail on the head" - in German idiom.

It means something like:

Your ways will be sure.
Everything is okay.
I am always with your.
We have each other.

Something out of that or everything toghether could have been in mind. One simple line, but a great piece of dialogue: "Here is looking at you, Kid."

Ich wache über dich?

[Eisenvorhang]

Sometimes you better just let it flow; just forget about form and rhythm. That's a strengh of the English language.

In the original version of the film, Humphrey Bogart speaks this line to Ingrid Bergman, right?

Indeed, in English, it sounds more than trivial. Also, because "kid" adds something very disrespectful and condescending to the matter. Unfortunately, it's challenging to rephrase it while preserving the original sentiment, even though English has many beautiful expressions. In English literature, many things are utterly overloaded and sometimes exaggerated, to the point that even I find it too much. And then the language fails at such a monumental moment. Actually... It's crazy.

Nethertheless, you did well, Ilka. It is advantageous to write in other languages. It opens new doors and provides interesting perspectives. But yes, it is also more challenging.

By the way, you could improve the first two lines, into:

Rain cascades from sky to runway,
mixing with my burning tears,