perceptions

[moon]

Thoughts are drowning
detached from every hope
I gave up rushing
towards your folded arms

Empty faces frowning
dispatched across the globe
I gave up crushing
inside your molded charms

[IsabelG]

Dear moon,

well, as you already know, I really like the way you use words. In german as in english but I will be honest

I don`t like this too much. The title captured my attention and after reading it the first time I thought -this ist nice. After reading it over and over I began to dislike a few words you used.

The first stanza is not bad and I like the view of "torwards your folded arms". The second stanza is a bit like a construction, like you tried to lean on to the first stanza, it reads a little unnatural to me. You got the hang out of rhymes between the first line of the first stanza and the first line of the second stanza...and so on.

dispatched across the globe

the word dispatching seems weird here. It`s just such a heavy word in such a small poem, it weighs down the wohle line, if not the whole stanza.
The second word that sounds a bit odd is "molded", ofcourse I know you tried to find a rhyme to rushing, but it`s so simple I think it would have been better you would have left it, even though it would repeat itself, with "rushing".
In the last line I would have written "in to your molded charms", it fits better to the fourth line in the first stanza where you wrote of "torwards...".
Even though I don`t like the word "charms" here because it reminds me of a charm-bracelet but that is just a personal taste.

I know you will understand my critical view best! And don`t forget it`s just view.

Greetings,
Isabel

[moon]

Dear Isa,

please don´t try to excuse your criticism. That´s the best way to learn, especially when you write in a different language. And as I mentioned before, a native speaking critic is the best I can get. I´m looking for honesty!

Well, to be honest, I don´t like the lines anymore myself. Some pictures came into my head and I wrote them down in a rush. Some words didn´t fit exactly, so I tried to find rhyming ones. Now I wish I could erase them.

Thanks for the honest view, and that you liked some parts of it, but I am unhappy with the whole text. Now it´s too late, next time I´ll give myself more thinking time.

cheers
moon