Journey from Essex

[Eisenvorhang]

In silent thoughts to my parents

I still remember when I was a child,
the roofs shone in celestial light,
my mothers hand was young and mild,
my fathers face was strong and tight.

It is not now as it has been of yore,
the hairs went strange like ivory,
I dont see youth which is no more,
all things sank in a hidden sea.

A lovely touch which I have felt upon
my skin, I wish I could back turn my life
but nights and days were gone and gone,
when I woke up from angels glory strife.

My dearest things forsaken me,
I really try them not to blame
but yet things changed like greenery,
became a river filled with shame.

Well, everything is a forgetting,
my ways, I walk with no more shoes,
have had elsewhere in space its setting,
I'm not afraid to walk or lose.

I see the world through very troubled eyes,
betrayed and slaughtered, empty, selfish lies
will rise and vanish into something lost,
and now where all my hidden tears were tossed,

I feel like drowned where there are neither joys
nor love, I fall into the oceans waves:
they all abide and undulate, no noise
appears like flowers on the oldest graves.

And yet, I spend my lifetime like a dream,
disowned, forgotten but with stars near by,
with grace among humanitys esteem,
I live a dream and soon they say goodbye.

[Ex-Ralfchen]

I still remember when I was a child,
the roofs shone in celestial light,
my mothers hand was young and mild,
my fathers face was strong and pride. (proud)

needs corr and reryming. thought you took off again. but the lyricmeadow with a dozen readers is but nothing. and the sociopathic chicken, the psychotic admiral. real fun to have 5 to max 20 readers.

[Eisenvorhang]

Zitat von Ralfchen

1)needs corr and reryming. 2) thought you took off again. 3)but the lyricmeadow with a dozen readers is but nothing.

1) Thx, I will fix it, I appreciate...
2) for fucks sake! fuck this shit
3) There is no place without trouble (not with me this time), I'm annoyed as fuck

[Ex-Ralfchen]

Zitat von Eisenvorhang

2) for fucks sake! fuck this shit

bravo + yeah the 3 (counting the mentally retarded WoMo) socio- psychopathic weirdos are real shit.

[Ex-frankaaimy]

Das Gedicht im Metrum bitte anpassen, EV.
Die Unregelmäßigkeit der Hebungen sind störend.
Es hagelt Abzüge für das Saxon Genitive, welches die Striche erfordert.
Sprachlich top.
Morgen mehr.

[Eisenvorhang]

... Ich hasse die elenden Striche ...
Wieso kann ich den Unrat nicht einfach weglassen?
Mich stören die wirklich massivst...
Das wurde an anderer Stelle bereits kritisiert.
Das sind doch nur Striche, ich will die in meinen Gedichten nicht haben.

Willkommen zurück Franka...
Durchgängig vier Hebungen? Muss ich Adjektive killen.

vlg

EV

[Ilka-Maria]

Zitat von Eisenvorhang

Das sind doch nur Striche, ich will die in meinen Gedichten nicht haben.

Nein, das sind nicht "nur Striche". Wenn du sie weglässt, hast du keinen Genitiv, sondern einen Plural, also keine Mutter, sondern Mütter und keinen Vater, sondern Väter ... und damit geht die ganze Grammatik dieses Gedichts zu Bruch.

[kaskadia]

Ilka hat vollkommen recht, für deine Aufzeichnungen mag das nicht wichtig sein, aber für die Leser schon, sonst kommt es zu Missverständnissen.
Also einmal bitte: Ran die Stricherl.

[Eisenvorhang]

Ist ja gut , fürs Forum künftig mit Strich, versprochen.

Hier kaskadia, eine schöne Melodei zum Mittag für dich:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zFj3XDDLTsw