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Internationale Gedichte Sämtliche nicht-deutschsprachige Gedichte. |
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19.01.2010, 20:28 | #1 |
Beautiful brown eyes
Beautiful brown eyes
I see you looking at me with your beautiful brown eyes shining, gleaming- I can see them twinkle. When you laugh they are full of joy your beautiful brown eyes honest, faithful- I think they'd show if tell lies. And when they look at me your beautiful brown eyes it's like sunrise after a storm strong, courageous- as if nobody can stop you. And if you are sad you look like little Bambi in search of his mummy with your beautiful brown eyes helpless, innocent- don't know what to do. They are the mirror of your soul, your beautiful brown eyes. They show your true feelings- can't hide what's on your mind, your beautiful brown eyes- the most beautiful eyes in the world. © miss marvelous |
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19.01.2010, 23:27 | #2 |
Hi,
please let me shed some light onto your language use. I must admit I have not been able to perceive a single major mistake as far as your English is concerned (well, mostly tense issues). So the comments made are advice only, not corrections. l.1 - do away with the comma l.6 - twinkle instead of twinkling (which does not sound wrong, but somewhat odd) l.7 - when you are laughing l.11 - if you were telling lies l.17 - as if nobody can stop you l.18 - and when you are sad So long. Cheers, |
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20.01.2010, 00:16 | #3 | |
Zitat:
First of all, thanks a lot for your advice. I erased that comma in l.1. Furthermore, I have to agree to your second proposal - it sounds better the way you suggested it. In l.18 you are right as well: "when" definitely makes more sense. However, I won't change the other things because my intention was to express what the character usually does (or in that case usually not does) instead of talking about one single/special issue. Well, by posting this poem today I recognized that my language changed over the years- I wrote this text in September 2007- long, long time ago. |
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