Depths

[November]

1.

It was one of those days when nothing fits your mood and you just go with the flow. I was staring out of the window right into the sea where the waves were crushing and their constant noise filled the air. Ultramarine meets turquoise meets white and green. Oh how the sea makes my mind go, to worlds I’d never be able to recall and dreams I will never remember.
I turned up the music and deep bass filled my head. And I drowned again. Forgot the world outside my mind, my head and body. The only thing existing was the flow of my thoughts going nowhere, turning my body numb. I didn’t mind because I knew I wouldn’t remember but somehow I knew what was happening when I drifted away. The moment it happened I knew.

And again I found myself in a forest surrounded by trees and only trees. This is my world, this is where I’m supposed to be. I turned around, my eyes closed and breathed in deeply. Cool air filled my lungs and I thought I could taste the trees and the messy ground with rotten leaves. But this time it was different.
A sudden cold breeze was making me shiver. It had a scary touch although there was nothing to be scared about, I would think. But against all logic I began to run as if something was chasing me. Something was after me, I was certain. And I ran and ran trying not to crash into the trees and find an exit.

And I opened my eyes. I shook my head and tried to remember. Something felt off. So very off. Did I fall asleep? Am I dreaming? Is this all a dream? So many questions, but I had no answer. Only a feeling I couldn't quite describe. I turned off the music and stared into the sea with a wild feeling that I had forgotten something. Like a déjà vu but different and much more clearer. I still had it at the tip of my tongue but then it was fading quickly until out of a sudden it was gone completely. Lost in the depths of my mind locked in a cell to never be opened again. A strange feeling.
In fact, I felt strange. Overwhelmed. Lost. But somehow calm as if the quickly fading déjà vu made room for myself again. I took a deep breath, embracing my recovered peacefulness and my returning clarity. I never had been so clear and awake before. I was aware of my surroundings, the sea and the window right in front of me, and who I was, or at least who I believed to be. I shook my head. What's gone is gone and should stay gone. I already have too much on my mind.

So I stared out of the window, spotted a black dot in the greyish sky and followed it's circles with my eyes. Down to the water, even further down until it almost crashed into the raging waves. The seagull only has this moment, this very present moment, I would think. Not able of looking any further in the future it does one step after another. How easy, how wonderful it must be to just follow the one direction life is giving you instead of being crushed with endless possibilities in this wide wide world. With all the possible pasts and presents and futures. I envy the seagull.
So my thoughts got lost. Lost in the wideness of the sky, in the depths of the ocean and the constant noise made by the waves, the seagulls and the wind.

2.

I was terrified. I was certain... no it can't be. It must have been imagination. A hallucination, a trick of my mind. Like the lost déjà vu from before.
Something is here haunting me.
Following me, keeping the darkest parts of my mind busy, ready to strike.
A dark shadow in the back of my eye. Always gone when I turn my head but still always there. My peace was disturbed so rapidly I couldn't even prepare myself, I was shook.
I turned around. Nothing there. I turned back. Nothing. Not even the slightest bit of that something I saw or at least believed to see. But still, the feeling was there.
I told myself to just forget it. What's gone is gone and should stay gone, I repeated. What's gone is gone and should stay gone. I began to feel calmer again. I just can't trust my mind anymore, can I?


(Beim Titel sowie beim zweiten Kapitel bin ich mir noch gar nicht sicher...ist noch in Bearbeitung daher freue ich mich auf Rückmeldung und Kritik)