Burnt Offering

[truetopia]

I followed you into the dark
tried lighting your way in the gloom,
through coldness my fiery spark,
could not even warm up your room.

So tell me how could i just give in
just tell me what else can i do,
but lighten the chamber you live in
and set me on fire for you

To rescue you from cold so stinging
to thank you for all that you gave
to see you again laughing, singing;
to know you’ll be cosy and save.

Let my mind be armor for you,
let my body be you a forge,
let everything passing me through
be lighter, be candle, be torch.


My ashes will fly with the breeze,
to carry your grief far away
to cure you from every disease
and show you what words cannot say.

Now nothing is left to remember
my bone and my flesh torn apart
I’d wish you’d lay down by my ember
and let the warmth comfort your heart.

[Baskerville]

Die erste Zeile hat mich sofort gefesselt. Der Text hat insgesamt Potential. Nur sind da noch einige textliche Unebenheiten die den Gesamteindruck eintrüben.
Hier ein Beispiel wie er für mich sprachlich stimmiger wäre:

I followed you into the dark,
To lighten up your gloom,
Though my spark, with its fiery arc,
Failed to dispel the chill in your room.

How could I give in?
Tell me, what more I could possibly do
But illuminate the space you’re in
And burn with fervor, all for you?

To save you from the cold so biting,
To thank you for the love you gave,
To hear you once more laugh and singing;
To know that you are warm and safe.

Let my mind serve as an armor true,
and my body be a forge for you,
Let everything passing through
Be lighter, be candle, be torch anew.

My ashes will dance with the breeze,
To carry your grief far away,
To rid you of every disease,
And express what words fail to say.

Now, nothing is left to remember,
My bone and my flesh torn apart.
I wish you’d lay by my ember
And let the warmth soothe your heart.