At half tide

[moon]

Awoken.
Wet sand below
entangled bodies
got stranded.

Broken.
Waves come by
our toes are lamed,
bare-handed.

Spoken.
Words of the moon
all fingers crossed,
we've landed.

[IsabelG]

Hi moon,

This sounds a bit too much constructed to me. The words, awoken, broken and spoken just jump right into my face. At least the last stanza has something to say, yes something to give me as a reader to take with me. I think it`s the best done part overall.
I know it was probably your intention to write those words, awoken, broken and spoken at the beginning of the lines but to me it just seems unfit.
You write good, and I know you know that, so that is why I am just telling you my honest opinion

Greetings,
Isabel

[moon]

Hi Isa,

Thx for reading and the assessment. I know what you meant with "constructed" and especially those first words of each stanza are predestined to give this impression. A combination of fluent phrases with cutted words on top. Should state the rush of the two by trying to get out of this mess. However, after reading it a couple times myself I need to confess that I'm not that happy with the text. But hey, there will be more of these lines on my way to the absolute text.

moon

[movfaltin]

Hej,

thx for another poem of yours.
Our toes are lamed - is this choice really felicitous? Vrlo poeticno!

What I like
* The "Awoken-Broken-Spoken" and the "stranded-handed-landed" rhymes add some style (well, in my eyes, but, you know, I'm a bit of a nerd whenever it comes to rhymes).
* As always with your poems: the imagery (although it does not include too much of an innovation here). If I get the lines right, it is all about the shooting rise and descent of a formerly happy, reliable twosome (the heading proposes a somewhat sinusoidal prospect, however, so there might be hope).
* The acrostical beginning ("awe"). Even though I assume it was not intended. Otherwise you might have continued with that sheer art of poetry.
* The lack in length. Of course this poses a great challenge on the other hand.

What I don't like
* No clear scheme at all: the metre is unclear except for each last line.
* The one-phrase-a-line paradigm, with all due respect, is awful and prevents the recipient from a fluent read. You might have crippled only the last stanza in this stop-and-go way in order to signify it's over or whatever.

Please pardon me not being too "all perfect!" this time. Well done nevertheless (in total, that is).

Hejda, uhm, well, Cheers,

[moon]

Dear mov,

always brisk to read your comments. In this case even more so, as this work is not really satisfying me as author. Well, that you could get something out of it anyway, is like a tiny boost of hope. Just like your (totally correct) assumptions. Was kind of enthusiastic that you mentioned the acrostic beginning, wasn't intended at all, but I welcome this epiphenomenon. One additional argument for your attentive way of reading. Thx for that. At last you don't have to excuse for critical words, want you to do so. Now I've got motivation for beeing more innovative next time.

moon