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Alt 15.05.2009, 15:47   #1
männlich diversion
 
Dabei seit: 08/2008
Alter: 32
Beiträge: 18

Standard Your last dream

A long distance tearing you apart
with an ocean in between.
He still has got his boarding-card
that's the last thing you have seen.
You spent whole days together
and night by night passed by.
You thought it lasts forever
until he made you cry.

And all is gone-your last dream,
your last kiss was too scant to see.
Now all is gone, and when he tourned away
you knelt down saying "don't leave me this way".

So tell me, what could I have done
against feelings so strong?
He made his desicion long ago
under the American sun.
But, see, you can't fight feelings
when they just appear.
The way he watched her breathing
made you disappear.

And all is gone-your last dream,
your last kiss was too scant to see.
Now all is gone, and when he tourned away
you knelt down saying "don't leave me this way".

I wish it was a nightmare
and all this wasn't true.
But, sorry, I think
I gotta disappoint you

And all is gone-your last dream,
your last kiss was too scant to see.
Now all is gone, and when he tourned away
you knelt down saying "don't leave me this way".




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Alt 01.07.2009, 13:06   #2
weiblich Chino
 
Benutzerbild von Chino
 
Dabei seit: 06/2009
Alter: 31
Beiträge: 46

Gefäll mir super gut!!Du benutz tolle Bilder und ich mag den Refrain sehr gern!Schönen text hast du da geschreiben=)
Ein paar Grammatikfehler allerdings und manche Wörter würde ich anders ausrücken:
Zitat:
He still has got his boarding-card
->He still has his boarding card(Das,,got''kannste weg lassen!)

Zitat:
And all is gone-your last dream,
your last kiss was too scant to see.
Now all is gone, and when he tourned away
you knelt down saying "don't leave me this way".
->Ich würde eher,,And it's all gone'' sagen,das andere hört sich zu sehr aus dem deutschen übersetz an!

Zitat:
So tell me, what could I have done
against feelings so strong?
He made his desicion long ago
under the American sun.
But, see, you can't fight feelings
when they just appear.
The way he watched her breathing
made you disappear.
Under the American sun!Gefällt mir!=D
Cooles Bild!

Viele Grüße
Chino
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Alt 01.07.2009, 17:01   #3
männlich diversion
 
Dabei seit: 08/2008
Alter: 32
Beiträge: 18

hey.. danke für dein kommenta..freut mich dass du den lyrik magst
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Alt 10.07.2009, 12:57   #4
männlich movfaltin
 
Dabei seit: 06/2009
Ort: Glei newwa da Elegdrisch
Alter: 42
Beiträge: 130

Hi,

as I am not fully aware of the metrics in your lyrics, I can only make some minor proposals.

Zitat:
Zitat von diversion Beitrag anzeigen
He still has got his boarding-card
that's the last thing you have seen.
You spent whole days together
and night by night passed by.
You thought it lasts forever
until he made you cry.
STANZA 1:
Still in his hands his boarding card
Is the last thing you recall.
(CHANGE IN RHYME?! Why not try fall, all, befall, appall, gall, pall, and so forth; bad rhyming in -ever, -ether)
You thought it'd last forever

Zitat:
And all is gone-your last dream,
your last kiss was too scant to see.
Now all is gone, and when he tourned away
you knelt down saying "don't leave me this way".
CHORUS:
Now all is gone, and when he turned (was turning?) away
You knelt down, pleading(ly,) "don't leave me this way."

Please note: "way" and "away" is not exactly a brilliant rhyme (neither is dream - see). Try using stay, pray, prey, may, lay, astray, etc. (dozens of "ay" rhymes available, I reckon)

Zitat:
So tell me, what could I have done
against feelings so strong?
He made his desicion long ago
under the American sun.
But, see, you can't fight feelings
when they just appear.
The way he watched her breathing
made you disappear.
STANZA 2:
against feelings that strong
He'd made his decision long ago
for they just emerge or a similar term, but "appear" and "disappear" is not sufficient rhyming.

I recommend the author try to diversify their vocab a bit. It sounds a bit too German. Nevertheless it is way better than most of the postings in here.

There seems to be a clear shift in perspective in your lyrics. (stanza 1 "you" seems to become stanza 2 "me," at least in parts.)

If you want to have your lyrics checked sufficiently by experts, please do not hesitate to turn to a G-E dictionary forum such as dict.leo.org and post your texts there.

Cheers,
MovFaltin
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