A stroke of luck

[Veva]

Some days live seems really strange. Things you would never have expected, never even thought about happen. and there you are, wondering how life could change so unbelievably fast. You sit there and have a completely new live to live. Just like me. But there is always something to help you deal with it...

I am sixteen by the way, and my name is Vera Moon. Usually I'm kind of a normal girl, or at least trying to be. Normal. what is normal, by the way? I don't know. But I guess I am not what most people my age would call normal. Although I try to be. But I don't always manage. To many things are crazy in my live.
My parents are separated , they got divorced seven years ago. now my mother lives about fifty kilometres away from Munich, Bavaria. My brothers and me, too. I've got two brothers, one thirteen and at the moment just annoying. And the other one, Nick. The reason why nothing in my live is normal, as it seems. he has a serious physical and mental disability since he's born. Doctors have several suggestions why, but no one knows for sure and so they try to hide their incertitude behind their technical terms and big words. They are just as helpless as my mom and everybody else who cares about him. Frankly I don't think it would make a difference if we knew. Such things would not become easier just because now there is a certain name for it. The shadow, the helplessness, the fear don't fade just because you call them a name describing not even the top of the growler.
As a fact, he's blind, or nearly blind, he can discern light and darkness, but that's that. He can't speak either, he only makes sounds that all sound the same monotonic way to anybody knowing him for less then a lifetime. He sits in a wheelchair but is unable to move it on his own his spine contorts more and more, taking the inner organs with it. This causes trouble of course. He's close to seventeen years now, but his weight is about thirty kilograms, He cant eat or drink without pain. Mom often enough has a tough time dealing with him on weekend, the rest of the week he spends in a special residential school for kids like him. since my father moved to Bamberg last year it became harder for my mom and now for me, too because now its my duty do catch up everything my dad misses to do. My dad doesn't care.

I also have a half-brother, he will be two years old soon. Watching him growing up, discovering the world with his big eyes and his tiny little hands in mine was something I really loved. Now, each time I see him, which happens about twice per half year if I am lucky, he changed so much I get in trouble recognising him He's growing up so fast, the time he was a baby is fading yet. Each time it gets harder to find the way back to normal again.
But its even harder for mom. Before my dad left, we were with him every second weekend and half the holidays, so my mom had time to rest, to live her live and to get power for her work during the week. Now she cant go to work anymore, is burnt out because of taking care of her almost grownup son. And she still refuses to give up. Agencies, money, house, school. Her duty is to make our lives go on. this was a hard job even before my father started his new live. now she has to deal with everything alone, no one can help her to carry her burden. until she had her first total breakdown.
Since then I am forced to help her, but I volunteered for it, forced to catch up with everything my father didn't do, forced to carry on all the things she can't bear anymore.

But I know my brother loves me. know it by the way he smiles when I talk to him. He makes me feel special, gifted in an important way, he makes me feel not so small and powerless I usually think I am. And a single smile on his face is more than thousand good marks at school. He is almost my best friend. he is always there, he always listens to me and keeps the secrets I tell him. he always shows me he loves me. By seeking my fingers with his fingers when I sit next to him. by laughing when I come home from school. I am the younger one of us but I often have to be the grownup older sister. No time for drama. no time for being a child? But still I ever had to feel responsible for him. He might be a burden in oh so many days, but I am so glad he is there. I'd rather care of him for the rest of my live than losing him. he made me grow up early in some points and he helps me to stay a child in some others. He shows me every day without saying a single word. And knowing he will fade so soon made me grow. I don't fear because I know I can deal with it trusting in myself. He gives me the strength to get up and face live every day again. Even when I fall I try to get up and to go on. He is the older brother I need. He is my brother, my older brother. He is what he is. And that is just the way I love him.

But alone live is hard. And so I found friends, helping me, carrying a little of my stuff with me. Lend me a hand if I need something to get me back into the light again. They don't let me fade, they are always there for me. they take me as I am and try to make the best of it . and so do I . with every new day. I try to have the best day of my live. Although some days seems to be really strange. Things you would never have expected, never even thought about happen. And some times they are good.